


hand in unlovable hand

by lynxpointLeitmotif (everythingFangirl)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Letters, Rebellion RP, rebellion AU, thats really all there is to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingFangirl/pseuds/lynxpointLeitmotif
Summary: And I hope when you think of me years down the lineYou can't find one good thing to sayAnd I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk outYou'd stay the hell out of my way~Letters.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	hand in unlovable hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WreakingHavok](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WreakingHavok/gifts).



> Some of this has already been posted to the server, some of it is new. All purely rebellion RP, just to be clear
> 
> This is really just directed at one person who I know doesn't check the emails posted on the server, the bastard (/lh ily)
> 
> Title and description are from No Children by The Mountain Goats

Dear Hank,

Well then. Look at us. Still here, after everything. How long has it been? I can hardly remember. 

I'm writing to you separately. I don't even know if you'll receive this, to be honest, but I had to try. I've already sent out an address to the L'Russians; maybe you've heard it, maybe you haven't. It hardly matters. The point is: I'm trying to establish a third faction. I'm trying to put an end to this war for good. 

I want peace. I want safety for the people I care about. That's all that's ever mattered.

You said you want your family. You're the first family I ever had. And, at the end of all this, I want you by my side. 

You don't have to lose your family, Hank. You don't have to bow to Charlize's dictatorship for their sake, or because you think it's the only way you can survive. We can still change this, we can still bring back what we had, we can still have peace! And it doesn't have to come at the cost of the lives of the rebellion, or this country's history, or our family. 

There is another option, Hank. I'm offering it to you. 

Do you remember when it was just us? You, me, and Annie. Those were the days, huh? Then Sy and Coat and Ghet and Ray, IB and Charlie and Fizz and Khio, and...

I miss it. I miss Coat, and Ray, and Fizz...

I miss you. 

And I'm trying to get it all back. I want you here with me. 

I know you've found your place with them, but please... think about it. Not for my sake, but for Christin's sake, for our family's sake.

My doors will always be open to you. You know that, right? Always, no matter what. 

Love,  
\- EF

* * *

~~Dear My Hav~~

Hank,

~~I underst~~

~~I wish y~~

~~Please don't g~~

I see. This is your choice, and you've made it. I can't hold it against you. 

That, what you wrote, is what I thought, too, before I made my own choice. I understand the allure of it. I understand it's difficult. 

~~But please d~~

I understand this is your choice. I won't try to change your mind, if this is what you've decided to do.

~~You're not bad with words, you're not a coward, you never have been, you're the bravest and best person I know and I can't do this witho~~

~~If When If~~ When this is over, I'll keep a place for you. Always. Even if you won't stay, even if you ~~never come b~~ there will always be a place for you here with me. Please, ~~remember come b don't forget~~ know that you'll always have a place. 

~~I miss y~~ Good luck, wherever you're going, whatever you decide to do, next. 

~~I love you~~

\- EF

* * *

Hank,

I don’t know why I’m writing to you again. I don’t know if you’ll read this. I don’t even know where you are.

I feel like I don’t know anything, these days.

I’m so lost.

Maybe this will be easier if I assume you’ll never see this. Maybe then I’ll have the courage to say the things I never would otherwise. Maybe I’ll have the courage to say the things I can’t say to anybody at all.

I’ve been thinking about eternity a lot, recently.

What would it be like to spend eternity with someone? Can you even imagine that? Eternity. Forever, with just one person. You can do whatever you want, you would be gods, but it would only be you. It would only be you, for the rest of time.

I used to think that was a silly sentiment. Eternity? You’d learn everything about each other. Absolutely everything. The good, the bad. What if you found out something you never wanted to know? Something you wish you’d never found out? What would you do, how would you manage? Where could you go?

I used to think that eternity would inevitably lead to hatred. I used to think there was no-one I would trust to spend my whole life with. I used to think finding someone to trust like that would be impossible.

But I wanted to spend eternity with you, Hank. 

I would have done it. I wouldn’t have hesitated.

And then...

and then

I cant 

Here. I’ll tell you a riddle.

You’re waiting for a train.

Do you remember? A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. And yet it doesn’t matter. How can it not matter?

Do you remember, Hank?

We took that train together. We didn’t know where it would take us. We didn’t know where any of this would lead.

And yet it didn’t matter. Because we were together. 

We promised we’d be together.

And then you left.

You left me behind. You left me alone.

I don’t know what to do, Hank. I’m so lost. I know what I have to do, I know what the right thing is to do, I know what everyone expects me to do. I know I should never write to you again. I know I should leave you behind.

But I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to fight for. I don’t know how this will end.

I’m scared. I’m so scared.

And I’ll never be able to admit that. Not while people still need me.

~~the only thing I know is~~

So many of the others have denounced you, cursed you, said they despise you for what you did. Maybe they’re right.

But I can’t seem to let you go. No matter how much I try to hate you. And I don’t know why.

Because you left. You left us.

You left me.

I’m waiting for a train, now. I don’t know where it’ll go. I don’t know if I’ll ever arrive.

And there’s no-one waiting with me.

I’m so lost.

\- ef

* * *

Havok,

I don’t know if you even care about these letters. Maybe I’ve been sitting here, wallowing in my own misery, and you’ve already forgotten me. Maybe you just think this is funny.

Not to worry. I won’t be screaming into the nothingness for long anymore.

Here’s some things I’d like to tell you.

I’d like to say that I hate you. I’d like to say that I’ll never forgive you for what you did. I’d like to say that I never want to see you again.

I’d like to. But for so long, I didn’t know if it was the truth. How could I possibly hate you, when the thought of you still makes my heart ache as if someone had thrust a sword through my chest?

I didn’t know. But I think things are a little clearer now.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m still fighting. Maybe this land has moved past us. Maybe they don’t need us anymore. Maybe I’m being stupid by still holding on, knowing that whatever I do I can’t get back what I lost. We’re relics, now, remnants of an era that has long since passed. Sometimes I think you might have been right.

I thought about burning the manuscripts.

I really did. I walked up to the library, torch in hand, ready to raze it all to the ground until there was nothing left but ash. Because no matter what I said, no matter how many of them I dedicated to Annie or Bee or Fizz or Mis, every single word I wrote in those books was, and always will be, for you. Every single one. 

Do you even fucking remember? The writing this country was built on. The writing that brought us together.

Maybe you’ve already burned yours.

I almost did it. It would have been so goddamn easy.

I don’t think I could ever have forgiven myself if I did.

Here’s the truth: I hate you. I despise you. I want to scream in your face for what you did, how you abandoned everything with no thought for the consequences, leaving me to pick up the pieces. How you left everyone to mourn when we all needed you most . How you took the line drawn between Christin and the rebels and tore it open into an impassable chasm. I hate you for that. I’ll never be able to forgive you for that.

Here’s the truth: I love you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving you. Because you’ve given me everything, my place in this world, my family, my goddamn _name_... right before you tore it all away. I’m sentimental. You know this. We both know this. I can never let go of the past. Which is why I’ll never be able to let go of you.

Here’s the truth: I miss you. I miss you, I miss Annie, I miss Fizz and Mis and Char and IB and Cabrine and Kenny and Elle and Gabby and all of them. I’ll keep missing them for as long as I’m still alive. And I know that I’ve gone too far. I know I’m not getting them back, not after the choice I’ve made.

Here’s the truth: I hope Christin burns to the ground. I hope the rebels and the loyalists tear themselves into pieces over their little squabbles. I won’t miss any of it. (I won’t say that, of course. I still have to be diplomatic, you see. I still have responsibilities to keep up. Something you seem to know little about.) I’ll miss the _idea_ of it, yes, but the Christin I know is long gone. It disappeared the day you left for good. And I’ll save only what I _can_ save, salvage what I can find from the ashes.

Here’s the truth: I hope you burn.

Here’s the truth: I hope we burn together. 

I hope that, after I play my hand in destroying what’s left of this country, we'll find each other in hell, and I hope we both get exactly what we deserve. 

We’re a paradox, you see? We’re an oxymoron. I’ll never be able to let you go, and I’ll never be able to get you back. I never want to see you again, and I miss you every day so desperately it hurts.

I’ve spent every day since you left trying to unravel this. Now I realize that I’ll never be able to. 

I can’t move on. It’ll be futile to try. But I’ve spent too long mourning for you.

So this is the last time I’m writing to you.

Because, to me, you’re not real anymore. You don’t matter anymore. Christin doesn’t matter anymore, the rebels don’t matter anymore. 

L’Russia matters. L’Armistice matters. Feugh and Soep and Cael and Maya, they matter. But thinking about you won’t help me save them. 

I won’t leave them. I won’t be a coward like you.

I’ll miss you for every single day I’m still alive. I’ll love you for every day I still remember your face.

Don’t come back.

\- EF

**Author's Note:**

> RE: letter number 3  
> can you tell I rewatched Inception recently? yeah I sent that on the server too but I don't know if you ever read it so I'm forcing you to read it now. You reap what you sow bitch (and in this case both of those things are misery)


End file.
